Truth or Dare? Nope. Truth = Dare.
Authenticity—being your true self—in the workplace is the biggest dare of them all.
2023, I call bullshit.
The word of the year was “Authentic.”
A high-volume lookup most years, authentic saw a substantial increase in 2023, driven by stories and conversations about AI, celebrity culture, identity, and social media.
Authentic has a number of meanings including “not false or imitation,” a synonym of real and actual; and also “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.” Although clearly a desirable quality, authentic is hard to define and subject to debate—two reasons it sends many people to the dictionary.1 (emphasis added)
Let’s define it. Let’s debate it. Let’s gooooo.
(Ugh, I can’t believe I just wrote that. This is the #1 phrase that needs to die in non-sports contexts in 2024.)
Galen Watts described our obsession with authenticity in 2019.2
We live in an age of authenticity. We are obsessed with being true to ourselves, being authentic and avoiding fakery. We tell our children to follow their dreams and pursue their passions, for we think it oppressive to force someone to work a job at odds with their true self. We desperately seek sincerity in both ourselves and in our leaders—such that we can think of nothing more despicable than a person who isn’t genuine, someone who betrays their feelings in order to save face. Moreover, we have trouble understanding ritual as anything more than stale, monotonous actions, which keep us chained to the past. We value romantic love because it arises from spontaneous, unmanipulated feeling. It is authentic insofar as it is unmediated. To say I love you when one doesn’t actually feel it is to commit a modern sin—failing to be emotionally transparent. Authenticity is the new cultural currency.
(The whole article is fantastic; highly recommend checking it out.)
Post-pandemic, praise for “being authentic” has continued to be applied in myriad situations. The most egregious, in my opinion, is in the workplace.
Empty “Authenticity” at Work
The “Bring your whole self” movement is an empty platitude at any company. I don’t care how psychologically safe your employees say your culture is.
Side note: “Empty platitude” is redundant, but I suppose we use the phrase for emphasis or because the speaker assumes the listener doesn’t know what platitude means. Now you’re wondering about the precise definition, aren’t you? You want me to tell you? Okay, fine, I’ll tell you. Save you a lookup later.
plat·i·tude ˈpla-tə-ˌtüd
1: the quality or state of being dull or insipid
2: a banal, trite, or stale remark
You’re welcome.
Why is “be authentic” and “bring your whole self” so empty? Because authentic is being “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.” That includes your beliefs and your values.
What authenticity actually means in Corporate America is “be true to what we value.”
No one actually wants your authenticity, even if it’s a hallowed word
up on a wall in your office.
Andie Kramer tells us that “Authenticity Is Not What You May Think” because the complexities of our true selves are formed by years of experiences and inner stories, shaping how we show up to the world. The key, according to Kramer, is “impression management” or “the conscious effort to positively shape the impressions other people have of us.”3 Kramer concludes that authenticity is about alignment with one’s core values (emphasis added):
Authenticity has nothing to do with being comfortable with the way we dress, wear our hair, or accessorize. It does not require us to disclose our every thought and emotion. Rather, authenticity is about expressing our honest perspectives, preferences, and ideas without shading or obfuscation because we feel a need to conform to a group expectation about a particular behavioral style, communication technique, or problem-solving approach. Authenticity is about remaining true to our core values.
Authenticity through impression management
How to remain true to our core values in the workplace? Manage impressions like you manage your closet full of clothes, Kramer goes on to say.
Individuals need to learn to draw upon those aspects of themselves that will allow them to be most effective in the situations in which they find themselves. We have closets filled with different types of clothes appropriate for different occasions. So, too, we have “whom we are” closets filled with different aspects of ourselves that are appropriate for different tasks and demands. Being capable of drawing selectively from our “whom we are” closet is the essence of authenticity and the secret to personal and career success.
Okay, so even though, “Authenticity has nothing to do with being comfortable with the way we dress,” we will go along with Kramer’s clothes metaphor for our “different types of clothes appropriate for different occasions.” You wouldn’t wear your workout clothes to a gala. Or a cocktail dress to the outdoor block party. No, pffft. That would be silly.
But imagine you’ve been invited to a cocktail party and have never been to one, heard of one, or have access to the internet. How do you know what to wear to this event? Let’s rank them on a scale of easy to difficult.
The closet of clothes metaphor breaks down quickly for a few reasons:
Getting dressed is generally a once-a-day decision. Unless you’re a toddler.
Impression management is multiple decisions all day long. You may need to make multiple decisions in the same conversation.
You can see all your options in your closet. Unless you’re Cher in Clueless.
You can’t clearly “see” (know) all your options in real-time. So you Rolodex through your brain as fast as you can and you don’t always land on the right one. And, building a robust Rolodex or “tools in your toolbelt” takes years or decades.
If you choose the wrong clothes for the occasion, there are rare instances where you might be asked to leave but, in general, you’ll feel a twinge of embarrassment and get on with enjoying yourself. Unless you’re fully dressed and show up to a nudist event.
The consequences for choosing which “impression” to put on incorrectly can be disastrous. From not being invited to meetings or not getting promoted to being laid off or fired.
Impression management and bias
The other big issue with authenticity and impression management is the ever-present biases. Let’s mention just one: gender. “Impression management” is what America Ferrara’s character sounds off on in Barbie, to Barbie.4 (See the footnote for the full monologue in all its glory.)
It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. . . .
I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don’t even know.
So how do you know what is actually valued so you know which part of your “authentic self” to bring to work?
We could try to follow the same scale as wardrobe choices. Except that the “Duh. So Obvi.” option doesn’t exist. We start on Hard mode because every new company we join is similar to being invited to an event we have never attended before and know little about.
There’s no easy answer here, but I have been playing the game for 20 years and if I place myself somewhere on the scale above between “mentor” and “based on previous experiences,” here’s what I’ve learned . . .
How to Play the “Being Work-Appropriate Authentic” Game
There are three steps to playing the “Being Work-Appropriate Authentic” game:
Observe behaviors in yourself and others that are rewarded, condoned, and punished.
Tune into how you feel about this spectrum of behaviors for your workplace.
Based on the delta between #2 and #1, shut the f*ck up or get the f*ck out.
Let’s break each of these down.
1. Observing behaviors
The “Our Values” words on the wall don’t mean a damn thing. What matters is the behaviors of especially senior and executive leaders at the company. Don’t listen to what people say; pay close attention to what they do. Particularly, what behaviors they reward, condone, and punish.
How do you observe each of these?
Rewarded behaviors might result in making the boss laugh out loud, being trusted with information before it is more widely known, public compliments or recognition, being given additional responsibilities, selection for special projects or interim roles, invitations to exclusive or private events, off-cycle compensation increase, or promotion.
Condoned behaviors are harder to quantify. These are behaviors that 1) seem neutral (neither rewarded nor punished); or 2) seem acceptable, possibly even reward-worthy, but the acceptance is inconsistent based on who, what, when and/or how often; or 3) you don’t have enough context to discern which direction they fall on the scale.
Punished behaviors you observe might result in the following: excluded from meetings and important conversations, manager generally ignores you/the person and doesn’t offer coaching, meetings or decisions that were once important get delayed, being snapped at or yelled at, public recognition withheld, responsibilities removed without explanation, being demoted, being laid off or fired or otherwise let go.
The ratio of Rewarded : Condoned : Punished behaviors varies company to company. The healthier the company culture, the more transparent it is which is what and the higher the ratio of Rewarded to Condoned + Punished behaviors.
Try it out! Document your observations of your company on this spectrum.
Here’s an example of a fictitious company that’s an amalgamation of experiences I’ve had and that people have shared with me.
At ABC Company, the following behaviors are rewarded and condoned and/or punished:
Reading the lists in the example above, you may already be having a visceral reaction like, “Wait, what? Laughing at junior employees in private with the boss is a rewarded behavior? That’s despicable.” Yes, but I’ve seen other employees who go along with the CEO on it be rewarded for their cleverness in the conversation.
Or you may be reacting to the justice in some of the “Punished” list. “Creating a hostile work environment should be punished. That’s good.” Sure, but if, in the exact same environment, turning down sexual advances is punished, you got a big problem. (By the way, I’ve seen this combo happen!)
So now we move to the second step, which is to tune in to how you feel about your companies’ list of rewarded v. condoned/punished behaviors.
2. Figuring out how you feel
Create a simple scale for yourself to figure out how you feel about the spectrum of behaviors you’ve documented. Let’s go with emojis; emojis never get old. Okay, maybe they do but so has “Let’s goooo!”
If I work at ABC Co., I may feel the following about this list based on my beliefs and values:
There are some things I agree with (happy face), some things I don’t care about (meh face), some that annoy me (frowny face), others that make me mad (angry face), and a few that make me go WTF?! (cursing face).
Some (extra) advice: Be gentle with yourself and others through this exercise. It’s okay to take a highly non-reactive approach and be “meh” about most of the behaviors on either end. It’s okay not to be outraged about every little thing. (“More thoughts, more problems.”) How you feel about even the above examples is going to differ from how I hypothetically feel. There’s no judgment. And you’re never going to find a company that has all happy faces. Fallible humans still run everything. Until the machines take over.
3. Shutting the f*ck up or getting the f*ck out
Here’s where the “authenticity” kicker comes in. Only you can decide how much is too much non-happy face for you. Based on the delta between observed behaviors being rewarded or condoned/punished and how you feel about that, are you going to
Shut the f*ck up? or
Get the f*ck out?
I say it in this aggressive way because it really is this clearcut. If you’re going to work somewhere and you want to be “work-appropriate authentic” it means accepting most or all of the the non-happy face stuff.
Your other option is to get out. Change departments or teams or leave. If you stay, you’re just going to make yourself and eventually everyone around you miserable. Because you’re going to be surrounded by the people who have decided to shut the f*ck up. And you’re going to wonder (probably out loud) how they can live with themselves.
Let’s spend a few minutes on the art of shutting up. Dan Lyons wrote a delightful book on the subject that every human should read. But especially those of us whose “authentic self” includes truth-telling. (Hi, it’s me. I’m the problem, it’s me.)
It’s called The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut in an Endlessly Noisy World (aka the “Shut the Fuck Up” or “STFU” movement).5
How to STFU
Five ways to start practicing the STFU way, according to Lyons:
When possible, say nothing. “Early twentieth-century humorist Will Rogers once said you should never miss a good chance to shut up. You will be shocked by how many good chances there are.” I also love Napoleon’s “Never interrupt your enemy when [they are] making a mistake.” It’s war-based and extreme, so a paraphrased version for everyday life might be, “Never interrupt an overtalker when they are sharing information you can use later.” Kramer alludes to this when she says being authentic “does not require us to disclose our every thought.”
Master the power of the pause. “Take a breath. Pause. Let the other person process what you’ve just said. Learn to wield the power of the pause.” Also, when you ask a question, allow breathing room. It’s uncomfortable at first, but count to five the long way (one-one thousand, two-one thousand …) in your head. I promise someone will speak up.
Quit social media. “[It’s] designed to get you addicted. If you can’t quit completely, at least dial it way back.” Yes, this is a bit hypocritical of me to suggest given you likely found this article through LinkedIn! I would broaden this, though, to screens. “Limit screen time.” I’m guilty of not doing this. The TV is on from the time I start to make dinner until we sit down to eat, and then generally goes back on until I fall asleep. I’m not actively watching it the whole time, but there’s noise happening for at least 4-5 hours at night.
Seek out silence. “Noise makes us sick. Literally. Information overload makes us constantly agitated and overstimulated, which leads to health problems, and can even shorten our lives. . . . Giving your brain a rest can kick-start your creativity and make you healthier and more productive. Research suggests silence might even help us grow brain cells.” My favorite forms of silence are driving in silence and sitting in silence (meditating).
Learn how to listen. “Instead of just hearing someone, active listening means blocking out everything else and paying fierce attention to what the other person is saying. Nothing makes people happier than the feeling of being authentically heard and seen.”
The result? Lyons says that after putting himself through the mental rigor to practice STFU, “My world contains less noise and more joy, fewer regrets and more peace. Basically, I’m happier.”
Keep in mind that part of STFU in this context may also be conforming to some of the rewarded behaviors. You decide if it’s worth it to you. You’re not a bad person if you decide to occasionally go along with flattering the boss to get ahead.
How to GTFO
If you decide to leave instead, you have a few options. You can look for moves to different teams or departments in the same company. Or, you can leave the company. Might I suggest looking for your next opportunity while you’re still employed and trying your best to STFU in the meantime?
Here are a few resources to help you get started:
Never Search Alone by Phyl Terry
The Ultimate Cheat Sheet to creating your Master Interview Script
It works! I recently received this awesome news from a reader: “I loved your article on the Master Interview Script. On my maternity leave, I wrote and rewrote my script and I’m happy to say I just received an offer for what is my dream job (at this stage in my career). Your article gave me the confidence to tailor my story to the job I wanted. I just wanted to tell you that you made a difference in my life. Thank you so much!”
The Ultimate Cheat Sheet to the standard interview questions
The Game that Never Ends
So playing the authenticity game at work has three steps, yes.
Observe behaviors in yourself and others that are rewarded, condoned, and punished.
Tune into how you feel about this spectrum of behaviors for your workplace.
Based on the delta between #2 and #1, shut the f*ck up or get the f*ck out.
But you will cycle through all of them on an individually tailored frequency. They aren’t “one and done.” You may reflect on these every quarter when bonus time comes around. You may think about them during regular intervals like Town Halls or All Hands. Or after a particularly difficult interaction with a peer.
Sometimes you may cycle through and decide to STFU. And there may come a time when you GTFO.
I’m still hopeful
Even though I call bullshit on the 2023 word of the year as it relates to the workplace hypocrisy of it all, I am still hopeful that there are non-work ways to feel authentic.
Take creating and sharing content for LinkedIn. (Save your eye rolling. Go with me here.)
Most creators like me are fundamentally just trying to be themselves online and help others. Yes, we filter, but we’re trying.
Interestingly, I got a LinkedIn DM from a former co-worker the day I was finishing up this article. Here’s the start of our conversation:
Former co-worker: Thanks for being a positive beacon out there [on LinkedIn]. You've really helped me not get demoralized. Competition [in the job market] is incredible right now.
Me: Thank you for the encouragement! I'm definitely in the trough of disillusionment! Not sure what my content pillars should be, not sure if anyone is benefiting from anything I'm writing, not sure if I am coming across as negative and hopeless as I personally feel every other day right now, etc. etc. etc.
Former co-worker: Rest assured, you do not sound negative or hopeless at all. You sound authentic and optimistic, but not naive about the challenges.
Very kind words, of course. Her use of “authentic” intrigued me most, though, given I had written 80% of the above already. I had to know more.
Me: Curious, when you say “authentic,” what does that mean to you?
Part of her response:
Some people take it to mean they can behave any way they want to behave as long as they don't cuss or sexually harass anyone, as if the line is between authenticity and abuse. Authenticity is never a defense for bad behavior. Authenticity does not mean I get to be me no matter the context; authenticity means I know who I am, I am willing to be honest about what I think without treading on others. It is the ability to speak from one's own perspective with vulnerability, and without hesitation and shame. The verb here is “to be”—authenticity is a condition of being, no different than being sad, angry, joyful, optimistic.
I said you sound authentic because you are sharing the experiences that have formed your views, which may be right or wrong, helpful or unhelpful to any given person. This vulnerability or willingness to share your fallibility, your weakness, as well as your strengths and your successes is being authentic. Who among us as never made a mistake, had a bad day, felt like life was shit and maybe even wanted to give up? You’re not posturing and arrogant and selling snake oil. You’re saying, “This stuff can be hard, here’s my story and I got through it, am still getting through it, and I think my lessons and growth are worth sharing with you in case it helps.”
Yes, we are all going to continue to define and debate “authenticity.” Companies must stop bogarting this term by saying they value it when they really, truly don’t. They can’t.
Humans run their companies. Humans all have different values. It’s the humans at the top who ultimately decide what “authenticity in action” is.
You get to decide which “work-appropriate authentic” game you want to play. So learn to play it well, my friend. Because real authenticity—being your true self—in the workplace is the biggest dare of them all.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/word-of-the-year
https://areomagazine.com/2019/02/28/post-truth-in-an-age-of-authenticity/
https://www.forbes.com/sites/andiekramer/2021/01/18/authenticity-is-not-what-you-may-think/
https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/movies/story/2023-07-23/barbie-america-ferrera-monologue
Full quote:
It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough.
Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don’t even know.
STFU: The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut in an Endlessly Noisy World, Dan Lyons. https://a.co/d/bxTJ2bW