Part Three: To advance your career, unlearn this advice
Forget "executive presence." Go for equanimity.
This is a three-part series on career advice to unlearn. Read the first two parts here:
» Part One: Forget “Never burn bridges.” Go for (some) ashes.
» Part Two: Forget “Do I need a mentor or a sponsor or a coach?” Go for guides.
Smile and wave, smile and wave
I’ll never forget the day the big logo VP showed up. Heralded as the savior of our product vision & strategy, she was here to manage me and my product peers who’d been running around semi-leaderless for months. That year+ was the most fun I’d ever had and, with her arrival, the most abrupt end to fun I’ve ever experienced.
Why? Because I was not prepared for this new boss archetype: “Miss America.”
Side note: I have nothing against the Miss America or Miss USA pageants. The teens and women who compete in them are badasses. I’m having fun here with stereotypes à la comedic classics like Miss Congeniality and Drop Dead Gorgeous.
I really didn’t know what to make of this person who sat primly across from me in our first 1:1 like . . .
In every subsequent 1:1 meeting, I felt an urge to wave my hand in front of her face to wake her up from the trance. (And no, this is not the same manager who fell asleep in our 1:1s.)
Hello? Are you still with me? Do you want to share an opinion? A glimpse of an emotion? Blink? No? Still just a pleasing—and unnerving—half-smile? Okay. Moving on, I guess.
I remembered back to the uncomfortable zing! I felt when, as a candidate, she had concluded the panel interview with, “I’m very open as a manager. What you see is what you get.” I’m always suspicious of people who feel the need to state this out loud. Show me, don’t tell me.
In the months we worked together, I definitely didn’t ever feel comfortable opening up and sharing anything imperfect, let alone personal, with her. It was strictly professional and all about how everything was going well, all the time. (It wasn’t.) And conversely, she never gave me any constructive feedback. I was particularly perplexed when she shared positive feedback in my performance review about how I had improved our working dynamic.
And how did you expect me to know that was something I needed to improve in the first place? I’m glad it did . . . but I had no idea it was an issue.
I believe the Miss America “smile and wave” facade was mostly this VP’s version of EXECUTIVE PRESENCE.
Present yourself, executively
What is “executive presence” or “EP”?
The term first appeared in The Sponsor Effect by Sylvia Ann Hewlett. She shares three main pillars of EP:
Gravitas
Communication Skills
Appearance
And then, in this short video, she defines three Cs of leadership:
Be compelling
Be credible
Be concise
(Here’s an even longer version to the Women at Google.)
And here’s a smattering of other definitions. . . .
Allaya Cooks-Campbell for betterup.com:
“In essence, executive presence is the level of your ability to lead a group. This is measured by their likelihood to follow you and your direction, and how you're viewed across the team.”
She also has Cs:
Composure
Confidence
Charisma
Clarity and Communication skills
Terina Allen for Forbes:
“It’s not really about you. Executive presence is more about how other people experience you. It is also about confidence, but executive presence is less about how confident you are in your own abilities than it is in how confident others are in your abilities. Executive presence is a reflection of how willing others are to engage with and do business with you. It reflects the level of credibility that others ascribe to you.
To the extent that executive presence is about you, it is about your ability to induce others to respect you; it is about your ability to inspire others to listen to you; it is about your ability to help others become comfortable approaching you. And it is about your ability to elicit the trust necessary for others to seek you out for advice.”
Joel A. Garfinkle, Executive Coach
Three pillars of Executive Presence:
Gravitas (again with the Cs!): Confident, Commanding, Charismatic
Authority: Decisive, Bold, Influential
Expression: Vocal, Insightful, Clear
Kim Taylor’s presentation on executive presence
The very first guest speaker in my recent Chief Product Officer program at Northwestern shared the following (paraphrased from my notes):
“Executive Presence is about managing yourself so you can bring your best self. It must be authentic. Be you first and foremost. It must come from the inside.
“Ask yourself, ‘How am I helping or hindering everyone else’s ability to be their best selves?’”
And now, you guessed it, Kim’s five Cs of EP:
Confidence
Credibility
Composure
Communication
Collaboration
(I actually really enjoyed hearing from Kim Taylor on this subject. Happy to share the full notes with anyone interested.)
* * *
For those keeping score at home, let’s tally all the Cs someone with executive presence has to be:
Swimming in a sea of Cs
If focusing on the EP Cs is helpful for you, go for it. Dive in on all the resources above and everything else available online.
Maybe some of you crave a simpler way forward. I know I do, because I have three main feelings when I study EP:
Feeling #1: Overwhelmed
With all these traits defining this one skill, I have a question: Who the hell can keep all of this in mind all the time? Yes, you can research and learn and practice and get better. But I would argue that most of these traits come with age and experience. In other words, make a lot of mistakes, ask for feedback, and learn as you go.
Feeling #2: Deflated
We’ve talked previously about the authority gap (i.e., credibility is generally assumed for male leaders; female leaders must repeatedly prove credibility until they reach the C-suite). Our collective view of “strong leadership” and “executive presence” is still molded from male leaders. (Getting better, but we have a long way to go.)
Feeling #3: Confused
I am still uncertain when you get to call yourself an “executive” and therefore need this special “presence.” At one point I read, “Once you’re a Director or Sr. Director, you’re an executive.” Then told, “You have to have an EVP or C-level title to be an executive.” And a lot of articles talk about how, regardless of title, EP is hard to define but “when you see it in action, you know what it is and isn’t.” Huh?
Do any or all of these resonate with you? If so, you have some options:
Overwhelmed? Wait until you have more life experience (be older).
Deflated? Wait until gender equality gets fixed (for now, best to be male-er).
Confused? Wait until you get nearer to the top (be older and male-er).
OR . . .
You can zoom out from all the Cs and start by focusing on one E.
Equanimity.
I believe Equanimity > Executive Presence.
(If this is a new term for you, here’s how to pronounce it. I’ve also heard it at least two other ways from really smart people on podcasts. You can’t go wrong.)
Equanimity: The skill of intelligently delegating energy
The first time I heard writer and meditation instructor Jeff Warren describe equanimity, the inner lightbulb intensity ignited a bonfire in my brain.
Most of us don’t even realize how much we walk around tensing against stuff. We don’t like this sensation or this emotion or this sound. It’s like we are subtly bracing or fighting with it.
The more we brace, the more tension and feedback and suffering we create inside ourselves. Cumulatively, it’s an endless and exhausting struggle.
By contrast, equanimity is inner smoothness. It’s the skill of delegating our energy intelligently.
—Jeff Warren, Calm
Pause here and re-read that, slowly.
Equanimity or inner smoothness in practice looks like this:
You’re going about your day, and your zoomed-in, internal reactivity to a meeting, a decision, a co-worker’s comments might look something like this.
But how others experience you, in general, is like this.
The line represents your equanimity. Or, in other words . . .
One caveat is that equanimity doesn’t mean never showing emotion or passion. It’s about deliberately allocating your energy so that when you are emotional or passionate about something, people take notice. Those moments become more impactful and, dare I say, “commanding and compelling.” Just choose your audience and choose your timing carefully.
I firmly believe none of the other desired EP qualities are possible without equanimity, making it the most important thing to focus on mastering. And it’s something anyone can do, anytime.
The equanimity journey
Equanimity is a lifelong study, unique to each student. Here are just five recommendations for how to create more equanimity, based on my lived experience.
Prioritize self-care
Look at the examples below and identify just one thing to improve. If it’s overwhelming, start with sleep. In fact, just change #1 to “Sleep.”
This wheel is missing several things I would add, including “Move” or, as the voice in my head now encourages
Move your body, Jen. Sweat every day. Every. Damn. Day. You got this! Just do it. Do it now.
What would you add to the wheel for yourself?
Side note: I’ve found approaching these as additive is most effective. Instead of “Stop drinking soda,” try, “Drink more water” first.
Let’s talk briefly about what “prioritize” means. It sounds pretty basic but it’s taken me decades to figure this out for some areas of self-care. It means time and trade-offs. Time you intentionally schedule to do these things consistently (daily, weekly). And making trade-offs by saying “No” to things like mind-numbing social media, Netflix binging, overworking or over-volunteering, and guilt in order to care for yourself.
I’ve worked hard to change my inner childhood script from
Caring for yourself is selfish and vain
to things like
I care for myself by exercising every day.
Honestly, that is still too much for me to accept. The real inner script right now is
I am a person who exercises every day.
And if that is true, then I am a person who doesn’t leave for work without my packed gym bag and who doesn’t drive home to crash on the couch after a long day, even though that’s what I feel like doing some days. Most days, I am a person who drives to the gym after work.
And my biggest trade-off to make this self-care possible is not cooking and holding weekday family dinners. Instead, we focus on time together after 7:00 pm and on the weekends. I gave up a good thing and mom guilt for the self-care thing I need.
Meditate daily
You’ve probably read or received the “Meditate” advice a lot. Be honest, though. Are you actually doing it?
If you don’t know where to begin, I would highly recommend an app like Calm. Start with Jeff Warren’s “The Daily Trip.” What I’ve found is spending just 10 minutes meditating and deep breathing in the morning gives me an equanimous reserve to draw from throughout the day. It’s like any negative event that would normally pain a raw nerve, hits the protective meditative coating instead. And then it just dissipates because there’s nothing to keep it alive.
Deal with your stuff
First step here is ask for feedback from people you trust and who will be direct with you about how you’re showing up in your life. (And when you’re asked to give feedback, remember your Brené Brown: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”)
For most people, I have one word once you have an idea of what you need to work on: therapy.
We all need it. Yes, it’s challenging to find a good therapist. Keep at it. Don’t rely on your spouse or partner to be your therapist. Don’t take your childhood trauma or adulthood gunk out on the people around you. Deal with your stuff.
Find your next guide
One of my favorite TV shows is 3rd Rock from the Sun. In it, aliens are sent to Earth on a research expedition, disguised as a human family. Everything is foreign and fascinating to them and every episode is filled with their (often failed) attempts to acclimate by observing and copying the humans around them.
Finding an equanimity guide can be about watching and mimicking when you first start out. Pretend you are an alien from the planet “Bristles against Everything” on this new planet of “Equanimous Every Day.” Who do you admire and respect based on how they seem to just float through their day? Think about the last time you were in a meeting and thought, Woah, I can’t believe she didn’t react at all to being challenged like that. What words and phrases do they use often that seem to calm any situation? What’s their body language like? Try out some of their tactics.
Here are a few phrases I’ve picked up based on years of extraterrestrial study of planet “Non-reactivity.” I still remember who I first heard use each one of these and now I use them regularly myself:
“Here’s what I’m thinking . . .” or “Here’s my current best thinking . . .”
“I may be wrong and I’d like to hear other opinions”
“And . . .” (when responding to someone, as opposed to beginning with “But”)
“How might we . . . ?”
“Tell me more.” (I really dislike a version of this I’ve heard which is the demanding “Say more words.”)
“I have a prejudice, not a conviction yet, that . . .” or “I have a conviction, no longer just a prejudice, that . . .”
“I am ignorant about this topic and I’d like you to educate me.”
“I have a question and I’m not looking for a specific answer.”
“I’m feeling dissonance because . . .”
“I’m not sure what your intention is.” or “How would you like me to receive that?”
“Are you open to some feedback?”
“I’d like to seek context from you”
Serve others
We’ve focused a lot on how to create more equanimity by looking inward. This is the best place to start.
You will also find your inner smoothness by regularly forgetting about yourself. Be helpful to others expecting nothing in return. That may just mean spending time really, truly listening to someone and validating what they’re feeling. One of the reasons you’ll feel less reactive doing this is because everything in life is relative. Get some free perspective: listen to someone else today.
“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.”—Regina Brett
In summary, go for equanimity
Executive presence is a somewhat nebulous, gendered, unhelpful term. And I’ve seen too many leaders trying to be EP material and create a persona that is no longer relatable or, frankly, fun to be around. Like “Miss America.”
Focus first on equanimity.
Prioritize self-care
Meditate daily
Deal with your stuff
Find (or observe) your next guide
Serve others
And then . . .
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.
—Rainer Maria Rilke
This is a three-part series on career advice to unlearn. Read the first two parts here:
» Part One: Forget “Never burn bridges.” Go for (some) ashes.
» Part Two: Forget “Do I need a mentor or a sponsor or a coach?” Go for guides.